I can honestly say that I used to live a life in darkness. I didn’t have any peace of mind and wisdom. I didn’t have real love for the people around me. I didn’t have real contentment. And, most of all, I didn’t have real joy in my life. It was a life full of pretensions. I was trying hard to let people see how happy I am and how good I am in everything that I do. I was most often than not trying hard to please other people to get them to accept, notice, praise and love me. Anyone who would go in between that, is my enemy or competition.
I became like that since my father left us for another woman. I hold on to my grudge and bitterness. I lived my life back then hating my father and every one around me. I withdrew from real connections and friendships. I became involved in so many wrong relationships. I became obssessed with finding a man who will fill my EMPTY life. I switched from one relationship to another.
I chased after recognition and accomplishments. I wanted to excel in everything. I wanted people to praise and notice me. I wanted to be the best. Every one in our town admired, adored and envied my excellence in the acamedic area. I was also known for winning declamations, orations, poetry and any contest that involved speaking. I was the president of the entire private high school when I was in my fourth year high school. I was the editor in chief of our school paper and I was involved in a lot more activities. I joined every organization I could join in.
THE OLD ME
Chasing after accomplishments, yet I had no happy face to show even in photos.
But deep inside, I was confused. I wasn’t sure anymore what I really wanted in my life. Worst, I wasn’t sure why I was doing those things and what for. I wasn’t sure of my direction anymore. I have lived in the shadow of other people and I have listened too much of what they expect from me that I could no longer hear myself.
Suddenly, everything went upside down. I fell in love with a man my age and I got pregnant at the age of 20. Even though we were so much in love with each other, I considered this pregnancy a CURSE or a BAD LUCK. It came into my life when every thing in my future looked bright. I had so many opportunities and I wasn’t finished with my nursing degree yet. I turned away from every one I knew except my mother. My family and relatives were all very furious and disappointed. I didn’t have the courage to show my face to them and I lived a separate life from them far away with my husband and daughter. Everyone else in our town could not believe what happened to me and all of them said that I just wasted my talents and my intellegence.
THE NEW ME
I just can’t help but radiate a happy and contented smile in my photos. I am so much happier today than yesterday. God has transformed me for the better and now I feel like I’m in a whole new world with the people I truly love and who loves me truly.
At that point, I thought I already lost everything. I already gave up on having a bright and happy future. I was still lost and I felt more hatred to the world for what it has done to me. I didn’t accept that after all, it was my fault. Everything was my fault.
The first year of our lives were so much harder. Everything was a test and a lot of times, being the weak hearted me that I used to be, I wanted to give up. Those times were full of sadness, fear and uncertainty. We never left God. We were in God’s side during those times. He was the only source of strength for me and my daughter’s father.
Then, suddenly I decided to fight back. I erased the idea that I could no longer be successful, that it was the end of the world for me. I recomposed myself and gained all the courage to start all over again. I worked hard every day for my family forgetting all the people who mocked at me and who badmouthed me after what happened to me. I stopped getting in touch with previous friends in our town because I didn’t know who are my real friends anymore. I never looked back. Instead, I focused on finding myself, finding peace in my life, and giving my family a better future.
Three years had passed and everthing is so much different. I still couldn’t believe where I am now, and what I have become as a person. It feels like I am in a whole new world and I am a totally different person. I am proud to say that at this point I am so much happier. I feel that I am experiencing real joy in my life. God has allowed me to surpass all those troubles. Now, I have peace of mind and I know myself. I only listen to myself and what I want, of course always prioritizing what’s good for my family. I am no longer the selfish me and I am so much of a responsible person now compared to before.
I know exactly what I what and where I want to go. I know why I wanted those things. I have a family. A husband who loves me deeply and truly and who never left me even during the worst times of my life. A husband who accepts me and cherish me for what I am. I have a daughter as well, who turned out to be a blessing after all. That’s why we named her Roneca Bless. That was only an affirmation and true enough, God has shown his faithfulness as she indeed has proven to be my lucky charm and a real blessing and source of inspiration and happiness in our life.
I have a heart full of gratitude and content. I am so much confident than I used to be. No more pretensions and no more pleasing of other people.
Me in my new life with my family. Just believe that God has prepared the best for you and He is constantly making plans to give you a brighter future, more than you could ever imagine.
There are times I still wonder how God could be so good to provide for everything I truly need. He knew what I wanted though I didn’t know those were the things I really wanted. Instead, he changed the course of my life and directed me to where I will be truly happy.
I no longer chase after recognition and accomplishments. The only accomplishment I could ever truly be proud of is to become the best wife and the best mother that I can be. And most of all, to become God’s faithful servant. Now, I am proud of myself and real happiness radiates from my smile. Even some self photos can tell how much I have transformed. Now, I have a happy smile on my face in almost all of my photos because I could not contain the happiness I feel inside.
“GlutaMAX, See the Results”
photo courtesy of http://myfirstfail.com